Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
