you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
