the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
