If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
