I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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