Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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