We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
