Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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