i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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