i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
