I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
