Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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