you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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