Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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