was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
