can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
