Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
