Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
high people should be assigned attendants
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
