There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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