Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
