you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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