4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
tell your sister to shave her snatch
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
