you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
