What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
