Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
