so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
