I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
