i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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