I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
