i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
