It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
