my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
