Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
