I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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