I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
