chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
