Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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