Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
