can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
