there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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