The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
