Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
