I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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