Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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