She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
