Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
