I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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