It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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