hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
