Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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